I try to find time to touch it – but it seems that in this life of clocks and boys and bills and noise it is so very out of reach. There are times it feels closer – like when I am spinning wool and my attention is focused on the movement of fiber through my fingers – but even then it is pushed aside by the wool – the breaks in the fibers, the concentration on the task. There always seems to be something in the way.
I picked up the book “Start Where You Are” by Pema Chodron – the title seemed to say it all at the time. I opened to the first chapter titled “No Escape, No Problem”. Yup – that speaks to me too. I read the first sentence – “We Already Have Everything We Need”. Yes – I need to remember this and keep that in my focus. And then she spoke about the importance of maintaining a practice, beginning with the practice of meditation, and I faltered.
I have tried to find the time to sit and meditate – to seek to shut out everything and be still – but there is no space in this house of children to make my own and no time when the noises of the village do not invade the house, even when everyone is away. Even in the early morning, there are still the sounds of trucks outside and snoring – both dogs and humans – which invade the stillness. My breath is mixed with all of these – and the stillness escapes my grasp.
So I am accepting that my life is not putting me in a place where I can be still – where the noises of the world will leave me in peace. And if I have everything I need, then maybe I don’t need it right now – I just want it. So I will continue to look for that opening in space and time where I can be still, knowing that for now, the noise of life is what I need – and I certainly have plenty of that!